


Who Needs Bodyguards When You've Got a Sword?

by goodyfresh



Series: Steven Universe: After the Future [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Action, And badasses like her don't need bodyguards, Attempted Kidnapping, Canon Compliant, Comedy, Connie is such a freaking badass, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Future Fic, Humor, Journalism, Light Angst, Memes, Politics, Post-Canon, Post-Steven Universe Future, Swordfighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26487493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodyfresh/pseuds/goodyfresh
Summary: Connie is an up-and-coming Senator for the state of Delmarva. While she's making an important speech, an incident occurs and she has to show the entire world just how badass she really is.While this is part of my "After the Future" series timeline,it can be read completely independently as a standalone storyand is in no way dependent upon the two much longer fics.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: Steven Universe: After the Future [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1900498
Comments: 32
Kudos: 50





	1. The Incident

Rank-and-file members of Congress don't usually receive protection from the United States Capitol Police; security details are typically reserved for the House Speaker, the Senate Majority and Minority Leaders, and the House and Senate whips. However, exceptions are made in cases where it's determined that a Senator requires a full-time protective detail; one such exception is Connie Maheswaran-Universe, the 31-year-old up-and-coming Senator for the state of Delmarva. Due to her heavy involvement with potentially dangerous Gem affairs, she has her own protective detail. It took a lot of convincing, but she's also permitted to carry her sword in its sheath on her back.

It's a little after three in the afternoon on a beautiful, clear day in mid-March, and Steven is back at home looking after little Nora (she's nearly five years old now) like the wonderfully supportive stay-at-home dad he is. Connie is at Fort McHarry National Monument in Charm City, wearing a navy blue pantsuit while making an impassioned speech about human-Gem relations as she stands behind a lectern on a podium.

"And so," she says, "we need to make every possible effort as a state, as a nation, and as a _species_ to work _together_ with Gems to solve our world's looming problems like climate change, the energy crisis, and-..."

She trails off as her instincts alert her to a glimmer in the sky just on the edge of her peripheral vision that grows closer extremely rapidly, and before anyone else realizes what's happening, she backflips away from her spot behind the lectern as a projectile made of water hurtles downwards from above and freezes into ice upon contact with the floor. The crowd gasps and Connie's bodyguards snap to attention as everyone looks up to find a blue, red, and teal fusion-Gem hovering a little over thirty feet above the ground in front of the podium: Bluebird Azurite.

Connie quietly groans and thinks, _"ugh, what a pain in the ass,"_ as the crowd begins to flee in a panicked frenzy (the Charm City Police officers on the scene maintain some order among the stampede) and her bodyguards immediately form a protective semicircle in front of her. Connie feels nothing but exasperation as she already knows exactly how this situation will turn out.

Connie's bodyguards point their guns at Bluebird, but can't risk firing at her current airborne position due to the risk of bullets raining down and hitting civilians. They're at a loss as to what to do.

Connie remembers Pearl's harsh words from a few months ago concerning her protective detail: "Useless and poorly trained, every last one of them," Pearl scoffed, "it eludes me why your nation even _bothered_ assigning _human_ bodyguards with their paltry _sidearms_ to you on the basis of _Gems_ posing a threat; _you_ , Connie, are _far_ better equipped mentally and physically to fight Gems than _any_ other human." Connie can't help but agree with Pearl as she subtly tenses various muscles throughout her body in preparation to leap forward and draw her sword at any moment.

Bluebird speaks, and she's as obnoxious as ever: "Well well well, _there_ you are _Connie_ , I've got you _all alone_ without your precious _Steven_ or that disgusting pink furry _thing_ accompanying you. I may not 'ave been able to get to Steven through his precious 'My Dad,' but I figure that _you_ could be _exactly_ what I need to force him to do my bidding! Come along quietly now love, there's no need for you to get hurt as long as you cooperate!"

Before Connie can reply, the officer in charge of her security detail yells up at Bluebird: "She's _not alone_ you little pest, _we're_ here and it's our _job_ to make sure that threats like you don't get anywhere _near_ the Senator!"

 _"Ugh, I may as well be alone, you damn idiot,"_ Connie thinks, _"Pearl was right, at this rate **I'll** have to protect **your** sorry oblivious ass! I **told** those fools in Congress that bodyguards would only get in my way, but nooo, they didn't listen, and now that's exactly what's happening."_

Bluebird laughs (a truly annoying sound) and replies in a dismissive tone dripping with condescension: "I'm not here for _the likes of you_ , I'm here for _the Connie_ , and if you know what's good for you, you and those _other_ humans surrounding the Connie will _get out of my way_."

The head officer sees that the area is now clear of civilians and the local police have moved off to the sides; Bluebird's stupid monologue and his reply to her bought them enough time. He gives a barely perceptible nod to the other officers in the security detail and yells: "Don't underestimate us you little creep, _we'll_ be the ones who _take you down_!"

He and the other officers begin to fire at Bluebird; Connie sighs and watches closely as the fusion casually weaves around many of the bullets while laughing maniacally and deflecting others with a saber made of highly compressed ice. The bullets that do hit their marks simply ricochet off of her hard-light form; Bluebird is a powerful and durable fusion-Gem, after all.

When it happens, Connie doesn't miss it: After a few seconds of blocking the officers' shots, Bluebird materializes and hurls a volley of ice-sabers towards the officers far faster than they can react to.

Connie leaps right over the officers' heads (with the way they telegraph their shots, it's easy for her to avoid their bullets) and draws her sword from its sheath on her back in a lightning-quick motion; she sweeps it in a carefully calculated arc that shatters the blades of ice and she lands right in front of the head officer. The bodyguards, shocked that their charge just protected them, stop firing while gawking at her. Several of them would be dead or bleeding out by now if it weren't for her.

Connie quickly rips off the sleeves of her pantsuit and button-up shirt as she proceeds to speak; this unfortunately exposes the tattoo (a yellow five-pointed star surrounded by small pink hearts) on her upper left arm which she never wanted the public to see during her political career, but freedom of motion is far more important right now than her public image.

"Your guns are useless here, so all of you just _get out of my way_ , I'll deal with her _myself_ ," Connie yells. She keeps her eyes trained upon Bluebird and addresses her: "Bluebird Azurite, if you _want_ me, _come down here_ and _get_ me!"

Bluebird laughs at Connie before replying: "Come now love, do you _really_ think I'd be so _stupid_ as to go down there to _your level?_ No, I think I'd rather stay up here where a _mere human_ like you can't get to me!" She cackles once again as she proceeds to send a barrage of ice-projectiles towards Connie; the projectiles are blunt rather than bladed since Bluebird wants Connie alive as a hostage.

Connie's bodyguards snap out of their stupor and dive off the podium to flee to a safe distance; the idea of abandoning their sworn duty as Capitol Police officers is _anathema_ to them, but they can clearly see that they're nothing but a burden. The Senator's skill with her blade seems outright supernatural; they may as well be ordinary civilians in this situation.

Connie deflects or shatters every projectile as she quickly formulates a main plan and a back-up plan; Bluebird cackles obnoxiously as she weaves erratically back and forth in the air and fires off her attacks. Connie waits patiently for a projectile of just the right size and shape to come at her at the perfect angle while Bluebird is in a perfect position.

Connie can only count on herself right now; Steven or some of the Gems may or may not have been watching her speech on television, but even if they were, she can't gamble on any of them reaching her on time. Lion wanders off on his own a lot, and without him, it'll take some time for any of her allies to reach her out here in Charm City. She can't keep this up forever or Bluebird will wear her down; she needs to bring Bluebird down to her level.

And so, Connie continues deflecting the blocks of ice and keeps her eyes trained on Bluebird; her body and mind reflexively act upon all her training from Pearl. Stance wide, body lowered, balance is the key. _"Stay vigilant and patient,"_ she thinks, _"watch carefully, keep my eyes on the opponent and wait for the necessary opening. Be strong in the real way; my mind is my greatest weapon."_

Over a minute goes by as she continues to deflect various projectiles, and then suddenly _there it is_ , the opening she's been waiting for. Bluebird is in just the right spot while moving in just the right direction, and the projectile currently hurtling towards Connie is _the one_ ; it's the perfect size and shape and traveling at the perfect angle and speed for her to put her plan into motion.

She hears Pearl's voice in her head: _"Put your whole body into it."_ Using all her strength, speed, and skill, she twirls her body in a single powerful, graceful movement; the sword scrapes along the edge of the oblong ellipsoidal projectile in just such a way, with just the right amount of speed and power, to send it hurtling back towards Bluebird, or rather towards _where Bluebird is about to be_.

Bluebird's eye widens, and for a moment Connie worries that the fusion will dodge the block of ice and foil her main plan. But Bluebird's reflexes aren't as good as Connie's, and things go off without a hitch; Bluebird tries to reverse her trajectory at the last moment, but it's too late for her as the block of ice grazes the left side of her face and smashes right through her large upper left wing.

Slightly dazed and with her wings momentarily compromised, Bluebird plummets towards the ground in front of the podium, but Connie knows that won't last for long and she has to time this correctly. This is her only decent chance; if she fails, Bluebird won't let her use the same strategy again, and then she'll have to resort to her far riskier back-up plan of using the projectiles as footholds to reach Bluebird's position.

She holds her sword behind her back; as soon as Bluebird is low enough but before she can regain her bearings and reform her wing, Connie runs forward, jumps up onto the lectern (Connie protected it during the fight for precisely this purpose), and uses all her strength to leap high into the air off of the lectern.

Bluebird regains her wits a moment later, only to widen her eye in shocked terror as she sees Connie right in front of her; Connie swings her sword straight down over her head in a wide arc, bisecting Bluebird vertically and separating her into Aquamarine and Eyeball. Before the two Gems can react, Connie pivots her body and performs a spin-attack on them while still in the air, poofing both of them with a single move.

Connie resheaths her sword as quickly as she drew it and grabs the two gemstones, one in each hand, in midair before bracing herself and landing safely upon the ground in a crouch in front of the podium. She places the two gemstones on the ground at her feet and stands up, but keeps her eyes on the gems. They could regenerate their forms at any moment or after many days; she isn't sure which it'll be, so she remains vigilant.

She needs to contact someone who can bubble them; after a few moments' thought, she decides to call Lapis, who can fly quickly to Charm City from Little Homeworld. But as soon as she takes her phone out of the pocket of her pantsuit, a pink portal opens up about twenty feet in front of her, and she puts her phone away. _"Heh, great timing,"_ she thinks.

Out of the portal leaps Lion who skids to a halt a few feet in front of her with Steven on his back. Steven hops off of Lion and runs towards Connie as he begins to speak: "Oh my _gosh_ , Connie, are you okay? Where's Bluebird?!? I was watching your speech on the news and saw you fighting her, I wanted to get here sooner but Lion only just showed up an-"

Connie cuts him off: "It's fine, Steven, I've got it handled. Can you do me a favor and bubble these two nuisances until someone transports them to Homeworld to stand trial?" She shoots a look towards the two gems at her feet, and Steven looks down as well. He rubs the back of his neck and says, "wow, that's awesome, you took care of Bluebird without any help," and as he leans down to bubble and send away the two problematic gems he continues by saying, "she was always pretty _powerful_ , but I guess she wasn't nearly _smart_ enough to take _you_ down."

When Steven straightens back up, Connie gets a better look at him and can't help laughing; Steven is wearing his _"Dad Jokes: Loaded & Ready"_ apron over a pink tee-shirt. He's also wearing pajama bottoms and, of course, a pair of flip-flops. He must have been watching the news and looking after Nora while either doing housework or preparing ingredients for dinner.

As always, Connie is struck by how adorably dorky her husband looks in what he calls his "house-husband uniform"; he's a nearly eight-foot-tall mountain of a man built like a Quartz (although like his mother's "Quartz" form he's a bit more full-figured than most Quartzes), and yet he looks and usually is as gentle and harmless as can be. _"I love this big handsome goofball so damn much,"_ she thinks.

Connie knows that while the crowd has fled, _the cameras are still rolling;_ there's no way the news channels would cut the feed with such spectacular drama unfolding unless someone was killed. People around the world as well as the police and her bodyguards are watching the current scene in real-time. But she couldn't care less; her public image could always be summarized as "absolutely bizarre" compared to that of any other politician, and yet she still won the Delmarva Senate election by a landslide. The world already knew that she has an adorably goofy half-Gem husband, a magical pink lion, and a sword.

Lion walks over to Steven and Connie, and she playfully ruffles his mane as she asks Steven, "where's Nora? I'm glad you didn't bring her to a possible battlefield, but you didn't leave her unsupervised, right?"

Steven replies: "Of course not Connie, Pearl dropped by to visit and watch your speech with me this afternoon, so I left Nora with her. You should've seen how she pouted about it though, it was _adorable;_ she _really_ wanted to tag along to watch us kick Bluebird's butt. Speaking of that, I didn't see the end of the battle; _how_ did you manage to beat somebody who can _fly_ and use _ranged attacks_? That's why I was so worried about you!"

Connie giggles and replies: "I appreciate the concern, Steven, but as you said, Bluebird was always kind of an idiot; she underestimated me, so I remembered Pearl's lessons about my mind being my greatest weapon and found a way to bring her down to my level. It was a bit tough, but I managed."

Steven smiles proudly at her and replies, "heh, of course, that's my Strawberry! As smart and skilled as ever." A look of concern suddenly crosses his face and he scans her body from head to toe. He doesn't see any signs of damage (and as always he's struck by how gorgeous she looks in a pantsuit), but still asks: "You're not hurt at all, are you? Do you need healing? Your sleeves are ripped!"

Connie replies: "Aw, Biscuit, again I appreciate your concern, but don't worry, Bluebird didn't even scratch me! I ripped my sleeves off myself. I'm sore from the exertion, but it's nothing that a bit of yoga later won't fix." Steven gets a mischievous look on his face and flirtatiously says, "well, even if you're just sore, I figure that _this_ can fix it," before leaning down to peck her on the lips.

Connie blushes and reaches up to gently push him back; still standing close to him, she quietly says: "Steven, _the cameras are still rolling_. Thanks though; that did make all my soreness disappear." Steven blushes from head to toe and bashfully rubs the back of his neck again; he just engaged in a public display of affection with his wife in front of _literally the entire world_. He laughs nervously and says in a near whisper: "I, uh... s-sorry Connie, I wasn't thinking about that, uh... you know I'm not always so good at the whole maintaining your public image thing and well I me-"

Connie cuts him off again, giggling and saying: "It's okay Steven, my public image is already as weird as can be. You kissing me on live TV is small potatoes compared to how the whole world just witnessed the extent of my combat prowess." A look of surprised understanding crosses Steven's face, and he replies, " _wow_ , yeah, I guess the cat's out of the bag now on your swordfighting abilities, isn't it?"

Connie laughs again and quietly says: "Heh, yeah, but I couldn't just do nothing, I had to protect my so-called 'bodyguards' from Bluebird. At least now I can probably convince Congress that I don't need a security detail! Anyway, I hate to cut this short, but could you go back home to Nora and Pearl for now? I figure that if the cameras are still rolling, I may as well finish my speech even if the crowd is gone! I have some really important points to make."

Steven isn't surprised at all; it's just like Connie to still want to finish her speech even after what just happened. Steven replies: "Yeah, of course! I need to start getting dinner ready anyway. I'll be watching your speech on TV; I know you'll knock it out of the park! I'll see ya tonight, Strawberry."

Connie says: "Hey, tell Pearl thanks for me! Even after all these years her training has stuck with me; it's thanks to her that things turned out alright today. See you later, Biscuit." She turns to Lion and ruffles his mane again, saying "okay boy, you guys can go home now!" Lion nods and roars open another portal, which he and Steven promptly jump through to head back home.

As the local police and her bodyguards continue to gawk at her in slack-jawed wonderment, Connie smiles and leaps back up onto the podium, twisting her body to land behind the lectern in a feat that puts even Olympic athletes to shame; it's not like there's any point hiding or downplaying her abilities in the public eye anymore.

As the cameras continue rolling, Connie resumes her speech: "Viewers at home, I ask you to bear with me and quietly listen. I don't know whether you fully understand that I was just attacked; but it takes more than that to bring down a Liberal Progressive! So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that final part is a reference to Theodore Roosevelt's words when he continued with a speech in 1912 after being shot by a would-be assassin. Of course, other than being badasses like that, Teddy Roosevelt and Connie have very little in common.
> 
> When Connie held her sword behind her back, jumped off the lectern, and bisected Bluebird, it looked _identical_ to when she sliced a car in half in the movie; just replace Lion's head with the lectern and put Connie in a suit.
> 
> This is the apron that Steven wears for his "house-husband uniform": [Dad Jokes: Loaded & Ready](https://www.apronmen.com/products/dad-jokes). He has a whole _collection_ of dorky stay-at-home dad aprons, tee-shirts, and other clothing.
> 
>  ** _There will be a second chapter focusing on the aftermath of the incident,_** namely the world's reaction to it!
> 
> I know that some people disagree with how I interpret the power/speed-scaling so that things like guns are useless against more powerful Gems. But we saw a lot of vastly superhuman speed and durability feats by Gems in the series (I'm pretty sure that entities who can tank city-block-sized explosions, lava, and the pressure at the bottom of the ocean can also tank bullets), and if military/police with guns were able to actually prove useful against Gem threats then that begs the question of _why they never showed up in the series._ As for how Connie herself is somehow superhuman: There are multiple possible theories to explain that.


	2. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world _(and Pearl and Nora)_ reacts to the incident that occurred in Chapter 1.
> 
> Prepare for _tons of mood whiplash._ This chapter covers _everyone's_ reactions to the incident during its aftermath; the subject matter ranges from Pearl getting all emotional, to politics, to humor and memes, to angsty what-if speculation. So this chapter's mood and genre are all over the place, ranging from serious to humorous.

When Lion abruptly shows up and Steven briefly explains Connie's location to him before portaling away, Pearl continues to watch the live news coverage of Connie's speech-turned-battle. Several channels were already airing the speech as it was known that it would be an important statement on human-Gem relations from the world's greatest expert on the subject (well, aside from Steven who is far too burnt-out on Gem politics to ever get directly involved in it again); but as soon as the event turned into an attempted kidnapping, every major news channel dropped their coverage of other stories in order to air it.

The newscasters are mostly at a loss for words as to how to describe or comment on the scene; they provide a split-screen view from different cameras so that viewers can see both Connie brandishing her sword on the podium and Bluebird firing off her attacks in midair, but otherwise wait with bated breath as they watch the Senator fight. An event like this has no precedent in recent human history, and journalists don't know what to make of it. A few of them make hushed comments along the lines of "how can anyone be so skilled" and "is she superhuman," but they seem to be talking to themselves rather than to the viewers.

Pearl keeps the television muted and covers little Nora's eyes despite the girl's protests as she sits on her lap: "Lemme go Pearl, I wanna see," she yells as she struggles vainly against Pearl's hands over her face, "I wanna see mommy kick that mean fusion's butt!" Pearl doesn't respond; Nora doesn't understand why violence isn't suitable for the eyes of a child, and Pearl plans to keep it that way. She'll _never_ make the same mistakes with Nora that she made with Steven and Connie. Besides, Pearl is too engrossed in watching the scene to come up with words.

Unlike Steven, Pearl sees the end of the battle; she's figured out what Connie's main plan and back-up plan are (Connie is _her_ student, after all) but can't help wondering if either plan will work against an opponent as powerful and versatile as Bluebird.

She watches with a mixture of tremendous worry and great pride; she's very concerned about what might happen (especially _what Steven might do_ ) if Bluebird manages to kidnap Connie, but she's immensely proud of her student as she watches her fight. _"She still remembers everything and has clearly kept practicing,"_ Pearl thinks as a few tears gather in her eyes, _"a wide and low stance, perfect balance, and keeping her eyes trained on the opponent. She remembers what true strength is, that her mind is her greatest weapon against an ostensibly superior foe."_

It's right when Steven leaves with Lion that Connie deflects a projectile back towards Bluebird, and Pearl knows that Connie has this in the bag. Finally speaking to Nora again, Pearl quietly says, "Your mother is going to win." Nora grows even more agitated, trying to pry Pearl's hands off of her face while kicking wildly and whining, "Come onnn Pearl I wanna seeee!" Pearl doesn't reply, but when Connie poofs Aquamarine and Eyeball she removes her hands from Nora's face and unmutes the TV; she can at least allow Nora to see Connie's resheathing technique and landing.

"Wowww," Nora says, "mommy is sooo cool, she landed like a superhero!" Pearl replies, "Yes Nora, your mother _is_ a superhero, and she just defeated a supervillain." Nora pouts and turns towards Pearl, blowing a raspberry at her and saying, "But I wanted to see the _fight!_ You're a big _meanie_ , Pearl! Amethyst woulda let me watch!" Pearl says, "No Amethyst wouldn't, she knows that violence isn't suitable for children. Hush now Nora, your father is arriving on the scene," as Lion and Steven appear out of a portal in front of Connie.

Pearl smiles at Steven and Connie's interactions (and laughs when Nora says, "Ewww, daddy _kissed_ mommy on the _mouth_ "); ever after all these years, she can't help but find those two to be _adorable_ together.

When Steven comes home on Lion, he delivers Connie's message to Pearl thanking her for her training, and Pearl can't help it anymore; she breaks down in tears. A part of her feels she doesn't _deserve_ any _gratitude_ , not after what she put Steven and Connie through as _child soldiers_ (Pearl once again swears to herself that she'll _never_ allow Nora to witness violence). Another part of her can't help but feel pride in training such an exemplary pupil. She ultimately decides she should just be happy; she can't change what she put Steven and Connie through in the _past_ , but at least she equipped Connie to protect herself in the _present_. She, Steven, and Nora watch Connie finish her speech while Steven prepares dinner.

In the following days, the news media's reaction to the incident is about what Connie expected, even if she was hoping for something different:

While _some_ of the news coverage focuses on her speech, journalists _mostly_ want to talk about her combat prowess and athleticism. They drone on and on about how the stories of how she once fought at Steven's side as a "knight" to save Earth and the universe must not be exaggerations after all, and speculate endlessly about whether she's legitimately superhuman and her abilities could be due as much to exposure to Gem-magic as to her training.

At least on that last front, Connie can't exactly blame them, as she's often wondered the same thing herself. No doctor has ever found any abnormalities in her physiology or biochemistry, so she _likes_ to think that she simply stands at the absolute pinnacle of human physical potential thanks to Pearl's training and Steven's healing. But sometimes she can't help wondering if repeated exposure to Steven's saliva, and perhaps even all the time spent as Stevonnie, had some effect on her that human science can't detect. At the very least, her aging seems to be normal; she already has a few gray hairs like her mother had at the same age.

While Connie can _understand_ the news media's fixation on her battle given that it's an unprecedented historical incident and a great way to garner ratings, she's frustrated that her talking points from that day are mostly glossed over. It was a groundbreaking speech on human-Gem relations; by mostly ignoring her speech, journalists are to some extent _giving Aquamarine and Eyeball what they wanted_. Liberal political bloggers seem to be picking up the slack on that front, but Connie knows she'll have to issue a press release reiterating her points from that day; dealing with the mainstream news media is always a headache and possibly the most frustrating part of her job.

At least nobody is giving her former bodyguards a hard time; Connie was worried that they'd be labeled as incompetent and might lose their jobs as members of the Capitol Police. Thankfully it seems that journalists, the general public, and the Federal Government recognize that her bodyguards were never actually incompetent as police officers; they're simply incompetent when it comes to dealing with threats from _Gems_ , which as Pearl pointed out months ago is something that can be said of every last human on the planet aside from Connie.

Speaking of her former bodyguards: On the plus side, Connie finally convinced Congress that she doesn't need a security detail. However, she was _furious_ when the Senate Majority Leader met with her in his office and revealed that _they knew from the start that human bodyguards would be ineffectual;_ they only gave her a protective detail to maintain Congress' image since the general public was worried about potential Gem-threats posing a danger to her.

They apparently wanted to give her a detail of Ruby guards, but couldn't do so since Gems still aren't completely legal residents of Earth (Connie plans to change that in the future), let alone American citizens. Outside of Beach City and its surrounding areas where Delmarva and the Federal Government always had a policy of conveniently overlooking many laws, literal-illegal-alien bodyguards simply aren't a legally viable option.

It took a lot of self-control to not fly into a rage when told all of that; she wanted to _scream_ at the Majority Leader. Instead, she glared at the insufferable man with a look that could intimidate even White Diamond, and calmly said in a voice as cold as ice:

"So let me get this straight: Just to keep up the appearance of 'protecting' me for the sake of our public image, you _knowingly_ put the lives of those officers in danger?" The Majority Leader could only nod numbly under the intensity of her gaze, and she continued:

" _This_ is why I went into politics, because this country is run by coldhearted people like _you_ who prioritize their hold on _power_ even above the lives of the citizens they're supposed to serve. Your decision was _shortsighted._ Be _thankful_ that none of those officers were killed; if they were, you'd have _a lot_ to answer for. I _will_ rise ever higher, and when I do, I'll see to it that the likes of you can no longer get away with your callous disregard for people's wellbeing; I _dare_ you to _try_ to stop me. I once confronted fifty-foot-tall immortal intergalactic tyrants who ruled the universe with an iron first for eons, I put them in their place when I had to, and they're my daughter's great-aunts now; someone like you is _nothing_ to me, I don't even consider you an obstacle."

Connie stormed out of the room before the man could respond, and she had no regrets; it's not like he or most politicians ever liked her before, but she'd never let that stand in her way. The Majority Leader collapsed into his chair and took a deep, shuddering breath as he tried to calm himself; he couldn't have formulated a response anyway, not while she _glared_ at him like that. It felt like his heart was beating straight out of his chest. Normally he'd plot a nefarious media campaign to undermine and bring a Senator down in a situation like this; but not this time. _"That woman is terrifying,"_ he thought, _"and we probably really can't stop her; what can we do against someone who changed an intergalactic government at the age of thirteen?"_

As for the general public, their reaction (mostly visible on the internet) is _interesting_ , to say the least:

Connie's public image is better than ever, with Liberal Progressives throughout not just Delmarva, but the entire nation, seeing her as a beacon of hope, a shining paragon of their cause. The publicity garnered from wrecking a powerful fusion-Gem on live television isn't without its perks; she's now the most prominent Liberal Progressive figure in the country, perhaps even the entire world. While the talking points of her speech are largely glossed over by the mainstream media, from now on far more people than ever will tune in to listen to her. As for non-Liberals:

Many swing voters in Delmarva now express support for her. Surprisingly, many Centrists and even a handful of Centrist-leaning Conservatives praise her as well: "I may disagree with Maheswaran-Universe's radical leftist policies," writes one Moderate Conservative blogger, "but it's clear that she's tough on crime and threats to our nation; the woman can handle pressure and knows when it's necessary to put up a fight. She's obviously no pushover, which is more than I can say about most Delmarva and U.S. politicians." Connie doesn't know exactly what to make of praise from Centrists and Conservatives, but decides that _pragmatically_ speaking, it can't be a _bad_ thing; it'll certainly help her chances in future elections.

But the strangest thing of all (not that it's surprising in hindsight) is how Connie goes massively viral as an _internet meme_ sensation. Pictures of Connie captioned with the quote "it takes more than that to bring down a Liberal Progressive" were already going viral by the next day. But _that_ meme isn't solely about comedy; Liberal Progressives throughout the nation adopt the quote as a rallying cry, a slogan of sorts.

Far sillier are the purely-comedic memes about her combat prowess, of which there are many. Someone managed to dig up an old picture of Connie looking somewhat smug, and captioned it "Who needs bodyguards when you're a badass?" Someone else took an image of her brandishing her sword and captioned it, "Living proof that anime is right: Swords are better than guns." Connie and Steven can't help laughing at that one; they were always huge anime fans. There are countless other such memes all boiling down to silly takes on how badass Connie is; Steven and Amethyst show her many of the funniest memes, and Connie finds herself conflicted between feeling embarrassed and flattered.

It just gets even more ridiculous from there: Somebody photoshopped the image of Connie deflecting Bluebird's projectile back towards her, _replacing Connie's sword with an Uno Reverse Card_ and captioning it "NO U." Someone created an idiotic meme of Connie with a calm look on her face saying "You... are already poofed," followed by an image of Bluebird's shocked face from before Connie's slash captioned as "N-NANI?!"

Three days after the incident, Steven finds the dumbest of all such memes: Some ridiculous TubeTuber had the idiotic (or perhaps brilliant?) idea of resurrecting a prehistoric dinosaur of a meme from over a decade ago and creating an "Ultra Instinct Senator Maheswaran-Universe" video in which they set the footage of her fighting Bluebird to the "Ultra Instinct" theme-song. They even edited the video to give her the "Ultra Instinct Aura." Steven can't keep a straight face when showing her the video on his phone, and he and Connie crack up laughing before Connie says:

"Oh my gosh, seriously, an Ultra Instinct Remix? Those are _historical relics_ as far as memes go! What's next, memes about 'percentages of my power-level' or something?" Steven chuckles awkwardly and says, "uh, well..." and proceeds to pull up a meme of Connie as she landed on the ground after defeating Bluebird, captioned with the fake quote, "Impressive; you made me use 1% of my power."

Steven then shows her a whole collection of memes consisting of fan-art and photoshopped images depicting her defeating various powerful fictional characters while claiming to only be using small percentages of her power, as well as photos of her speaking captioned with quotes like "this isn't even my final form." There's even a meme of Bluebird wearing a scouter and yelling, "IT'S OVER NINE-THOUSAAAND!"

Connie facepalms; this is all so incredibly stupid. On the one hand, it _is_ quite hilarious. On the other hand, it's juvenile and childish, not to mention so totally fifteen years ago. It's also somewhat embarrassing. But still, as a pair of die-hard anime nerds with very dorky senses of humor, she and Steven get a kick out of those memes.

While far less numerous than the memes about Connie being some kind of badass anime heroine, there are also memes popping up about Steven's appearance when he showed up on Lion. They're all along the same lines:

The human public finds it adorable and hilarious that the nearly eight-foot-tall man who can bench press a skyscraper and apparently once saved the entire universe is a dorky stay-at-home dad who wears pajama bottoms and a "Dad Jokes" apron. People take images of him in the outfit and give them captions such as, "The Ultimate House-Husband," "I need to find me a guy like this," and "Stay-at-home dad: Extra Large Edition."

Someone takes the image of Steven pecking Connie on the lips and captions it "#RelationshipGoals"; while a little embarrassing, Steven and Connie find it genuinely touching as well. Steven is pretty happy about it; for a long time he's wanted people to see him for his human side as much as for his Gem side, and it seems that when it comes to his life as a husband and father, people see him as a down-to-earth human being.

Idiotic memes aside (and even those can be viewed as a positive thing), the incident resulted in a surprisingly positive series of outcomes in its aftermath. But it isn't long before Steven and Connie learn something that chills them to their core when they think about the question of "what if":

Nine days after the incident, they discover that they're expecting their next child; an obstetrician confirms that Connie is already a month along. If one of Bluebird's projectiles had hit Connie... no, they can't think about that, they have to look on the bright side; everything turned out alright, after all. Pearl, for one, is overjoyed; Connie thanks her once again for her training, as it's thanks to Pearl that Connie was able to prevent herself from taking any damage during the fight.

Yes, this is a good thing: Connie took care of the most dangerous known Gem criminal still at large, and her public image is more positive than ever; at this rate, she may be able to successfully run for President in the future, and then she can finally achieve her dream of getting Little Homeworld legally recognized as a nation-state and forging an alliance between Earth and the Gem Republic. There's no use thinking about the what-ifs; the Bluebird incident had a positive outcome.

So why can't Steven and Connie view the situation in a completely positive light? It's mostly paranoia, but perhaps that paranoia is justified: What if there are other Gems out there patiently biding their time and plotting revenge? Gems don't perceive time like humans do: Aquamarine and Eyeball waited two years for their first attempt at revenge, and then another sixteen years before their second attempt. Steven and Connie push such thoughts to the backs of their minds, but thanks to all the trauma they experienced as children, they never do manage to completely stop worrying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so "Ultra Instinct Senator Maheswaran-Universe" is a meme now in this timeline, along with a whole bunch of more old-school Dragon Ball memes like her power-level being over 9000 and her not even being in her final form. I just couldn't help myself, because it's realistic that in this situation, the general public would end up pulling that kind of stupidity. I think we all know who the only opponent is who can truly stand against Connie's power. **Epic music starts playing** ZOINKS!
> 
> The canon franchise set a precedent for such memes anyway: When Eyeball first came out of the hatch of the Roaming Eye with her gemstone covering her left eye, it was a direct reference to the moment in DBZ when Vegeta climbed out of his pod with his scouter over his left eye!
> 
> Given the context of the incident in this story, I couldn't help including commentary on issues with politics and mass-media journalism! I also couldn't help ending the story with a bit of angst.


	3. The Entirely Meme-Based Sequel That Literally Nobody Asked For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just me being absolutely ridiculous and running with the idea of Connie becoming a meme. The chapter actually isn't what it seems at first, though.

Big Chungus tried his best; he put up a good fight, but now lies dead and broken upon the ground in a crater. Robbie Rotten and Waluigi are no more. Ugandan Knuckles now knows da wae... _to da afterlife,_ that is. Shrek has been erased from existence on a conceptual level. Even Chuck Norris is a bloody smear on a mountainside. Only one opponent remains, the only being who can truly stand against Senator Connie Maheswaran-Universe's power; he holds the blade of her sword where he just caught it between his hands.

 **Shaggy Rogers:** "Zoinks! Like, that's pretty impressive Senator Maheswaran-Universe, but you do realize I've been holding back, right? Your power just now was like, barely enough to finally sober me up from that last joint I smoked with Scoob, man. And I haven't even activated Ultra Instinct yet."

 **Connie Maheswaran-Universe:** "Well, to be honest, I've been holding back too; I have yet to unleash my Strawberry Aura. Even that fat rabbit and Chuck Norris, as strong as they were, only made me use 0.001% of my power. It'll take more than some lanky stoner to bring down a Liberal Progressive!"

 **Shaggy:** "0.001%, huh? Like, I've only been using an infinitesimal fraction, man."

 **Connie:** _**Smirks**_ "Oh, is that right? And who ever said that a mere 100% is actually my _limit_ , Shaggy?"

The Senator wrenches her sword out of Shaggy's grip and backflips to a safe distance; they stare each other down.

Shaggy and Connie both grin at the thought of finally facing a _truly worthy_ opponent, and they power up; her bright red Strawberry Aura, flecked with sparks of gold and yellow, clashes with Shaggy's blue and silver Ultra Instinct Aura. The spacetime continuum warps where their auras clash, emanating ripples throughout the entire multiverse.

 **Velma Dinkley:** "Jinkies! Their power is threatening to destroy the very fabric of reality!"

 **Scooby-Doo:** "Ruh-roh!"

 **Steven Universe-Maheswaran:** "My wife is the best! Go Connie, I love you!"

 **The Collective Gods and Goddesses of Every Religion:** "Nooope!" _**Pack their bags and ditch the multiverse**_

_TO BE CONTINUED_ _......_

* * *

"Steven," Connie asks as she glares at the computer screen, "why the hell did you just show me that fan-comic? It's literally the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. _Why are there even fan-comics of me now?_ And why are people still resurrecting that ancient fossil of a meme and including me as a part of it?"

"Connie," Steven says, "the answer to all of your questions is that you're a badass, these memes are absolutely hilarious, and you should just roll with this and appreciate it for what it is."

Connie sighs: "I guess you're right, but did they _really_ have to take your cute nickname for me from all the way back when we were kids and turn it into an anime-style power-up while relegating you to the role of my cheerleader?"

"Yes Connie, yes they did. _I'm_ not a superhero anymore, but _you're_ a hero fighting to change the world; I'm just your devoted house-husband, and I'm _glad_ the world sees it that way! I _am_ your cheerleader, and I think that a Strawberry Aura sounds like _the most amazing power-up ever_ ," says Steven as he leans down to give Connie a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so that's a thing that I just wrote. I have no regrets. Big Chungus lying dead in a crater is in the same pose as Yamcha when he died in the Saiyan Saga of DBZ. He put up a better fight than Yamcha did, but that's only because Connie and Shaggy were holding back so much.
> 
> I know that franchises and characters have different names in the world of S.U. than in the real world, but it was just too tough to come up with alternate names for everything in this case so I didn't bother.


End file.
